(Be nice until it is time to not be nice...)
CULT MOVIE DRINKING GAMES PRESENTS: "Road House"
There are some films that demand to be viewed drunkenly. Patrick Swayze’s 1989 macho-masterpiece "Road House" is certainly one of those. From it’s unimpressive box office run to eventual immortalizing on late-night cable channels TBS and TNT, "Road House" was destined to become the ultimate drinking man’s movie.
THE FILM:
In the Summer of 1989, Patrick Swayze was desperately trying to distance himself from the unexpected fame of "Dirty Dancing". His brilliant, career-crippling choice for an image make-over was this cheesy, bar-fighting classic.
For the uninitiated, "Road House" follows the exploits of the world’s best Cooler, Dalton. (The Cooler is the guy who is called in to straighten up a bar when the bouncers aren’t cutting the mustard.) Dalton – who is so bad-ass he doesn’t need a first name – received a degree in Philosophy from NYU, drives a BMW with a tape deck and kicks the shit out of people for a living. He’s hired to clean up a dive in Jasper, Missouri called the Double Deuce. ("It used to be a nice place," says the owner. "Now you have to sweep the eyeballs off the floor at night.")
What Dalton does not know is that Jasper is in the stranglehold of a sadistic kingpin named Brad Wesley. And Brad Wesley, as it turns out, does not like Dalton one bit. Bar-fight after bar-fight ensues as Dalton attempts to take out Jasper, MI’s trash.
INGREDIENTS FOR INTOXICATION:
One DVD copy of "Road House"
One fifth of Jack Daniels (or other Sour Mash Whiskey)
One 40oz bottle of Ice House or Mickey’s for each attendee
A 30-pack of awful beer
Mullet wigs (optional)
A healthy suspension of disbelief and tolerance for latently homoerotic dialogue
THE RULES:
In honor of Dalton’s famous "Three Rules of Bouncing" speech, there are only three rules to the "Road House" drinking game. (Four if you count the obvious "No Chicks Allowed" rule.) When doling out the Drinking Rules to your soon-to-be-wasted friends, it’s helpful to first grow a mullet. And if at all possible, when announcing the Rules, cross your massive forearms in front of your chest while your Kentucky Waterfall blows in the barroom breeze.
1. WHENEVER SWAYZE APPEARS SHIRTLESS (OR NUDE) ONSCREEN, TAKE A DRINK. Be careful with this one because it happens so often that, at the hour-mark, naked Swayze is nearly subliminal. This includes the obligatory bare-ass shots, shirtless training montages and hot sex scenes with Kelly Lynch.
2. WHENEVER A SENTENCE FRAGMENT OR QUOTABLE LINE IS UTTERED BY A CHARACTER, TAKE A DRINK. These brilliantly meat-headed lines include, but are not limited to, "Opinion’s vary", "Pain don’t hurt" and "I used to fuck guys like you in prison". If you’ve never seen the film before, or have only a vague recollection of the dialogue, a generally rule of thumb is that if you laugh – and weren’t supposed to – you should probably be drinking
3. WHENEVER A BEER BOTTLE SHATTERS (ONSCREEN OR OFFSCREEN), TAKE A DRINK. In a movie like "Road House", this is absolutely the most important rule. If followed correctly, this rule alone is guaranteed to fuck you up in the first twenty minutes. Seriously.
SPECIAL SHOTS:
There are two moments in the film that warrant a stiff shot of Whiskey. The first comes at the culmination of a brutal hand-to-hand battle, when Dalton rips out an opponent’s throat with the Hillbilly Claw of Death. (You can’t miss it.) The second is necessary when Dalton’s mentor, Wade Garrett, is found on a bar-top at the Double Deuce with a knife hilt-deep in his chest. (You’ll only miss it if your tears obscure the television screen.)
FOR ADVANCED PLAYERS:
For those with a high alcohol tolerance, here’s an extra set of rules to follow. It is not suggested that you play by these Rules. The Reluctant Townie Inc., is not responsible for any trips to the ER, pissed pants or unattractive sexual conquests you may experience in the aftermath of Advanced "Road House" drinking.
You’ve been warned.
X-1. Whenever Wade Garrett runs his hand through his long hair, take a drink.
X-2. Take a shot whenever you hear the phrase "Gold Plastic".
X-3. Take a shot for every car crushed by a villain’s Monster Truck.
X-4. Drink whenever Brad Wesley dismissively shakes his head at Dalton.
X-5. (Only for the most hardcore drunk) Whenever Dalton lands a punch, take a drink.
THE RESULT:
The best time you will ever have with Patrick Swayze’s super-mullet. And one helluva a hangover.
